1. I couldn’t care less when someone else’s baby cries.
I know that sounds savage. I too was surprised when I first made this realization. A few weeks ago I was in Toys’ R Us and someone’s baby started crying. I didn’t even fully comprehend that a baby was crying. It was just another random background noise coming through my ears as I searched for Christmas presents for our son, Milo. It is SUCH a contrast to how I physically and mentally react when Milo cries, or even fusses for that matter. When Milo cries a mini internal panic comes over me and I will do anything to make it stop. Water? No? Soother? No? Toy? No? Want me to dance for you? No? Look! I can make monkey sounds! OOO OOO AAA AAA.
2. I don’t want to be a stay at home mom.
Before having Milo I thought being a stay at home mom would be the bomb. Full disclosure, I hate the typical 9am-5pm office job. I’ve been a graduate student since 2008, meaning I’ve had a flexible schedule and could do all my work whenever I wanted. Writing papers on Sunday morning? Sure. Staying up late on a Tuesday to run analyses so I could sleep-in and go shopping on the Wednesday? You betcha! I love that freedom. Staying home with a baby is the EXACT opposite of freedom. You don’t even have the freedom to empty your bladder. And from what I’ve seen on TV, even prisoners can go pee when they want to.
3. I will leave the house looking like a complete slob.
I saw this meme the other day that said something along the lines of “my pre-baby self would be shocked at what my post-baby self looks like leaving the house”. I can totally relate. Before Milo came into the world, I would always put on at LEAST a little bit of makeup and take a few minutes to put an outfit together. Now I spend more time picking out Milo’s outfit than my own. Makeup is a rarity. And, my hair is almost always in a greasy bun. It’s a god damn tragedy. The funny (or sad) part is that I actually NEED makeup after having Milo. Dark circles and concave freakin’ eye sockets are not attractive on anyone. Is there a concealer in this world that will cover this sh*t?
4. I need alone time.
I spend the last hour of my days completely alone (with the exception of our little dog, Bubbles). I lay in bed, in the dark, and watch reality TV on my phone. I completely zone everything out. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t respond to texts or DMs, I just lay and focus on the reality people’s lives. It’s so relaxing!!! It’s not that I feel physically tired at the end of the day. I feel mentally tired. Now that Milo is a toddler this is especially true, because you are constantly ON. I imagine that this gets less true over time because you probably act less and less like a clown as children grow up. But for now, I will take my hour every night and completely shut down my brain and hand it over to the Real Housewives of wherever.
5. I don’t like playing with toddlers but, I’m good at it.
It is exhausting. It’s not like they want to sit at the table and do a puzzle or colour nicely. No. Milo loves waddling around the house making loud noises and throwing things. We spend most of the weekend keeping Milo from hurting himself, hurting us, or hurting the dogs. Imagine how exhausting it is taking care of your drunk friend after the bar who is staying over at your house… that’s life with a toddler.
6. I’m not the anxious Mom I thought I would be.
I really expected myself to be really anxious as a mom. Especially a new mom. I don’t know what happened to me during pregnancy but I’m literally like a little Buddha. Of course there is the odd time I can feel a mild rage boiling up inside me. It’s usually on those days where every single little thing goes wrong. Like you stub your toe, spill your coffee, hit your funny bone, break a nail, etc. But, when it comes to Milo and tantrums or throwing food I am so calm. It’s shocking. I also expected myself to be paranoid about every little accident that could happen. Surprisingly, I am pretty good at just letting Milo play and explore. I guess the fact that our house is basically one giant play area helps.
7. I hate cheesy inspirational quotes.
Ugh. If you follow me on Instagram you know I’m not exactly one to share these friggin’ quotes about motherhood like “there is no greater gift in life than that of a child and while the days may seem long, know you are a magical unicorn who can do anything cherish these special moments…blaaaah barf.” No. I like to laugh. I like to point out the struggles and laugh about them. This shit is fucking hard! When I read some stupid bullshit quotes it actually makes me feel worse because I’m like “do people actually believe this bullshit?” And if they do then I feel like maybe there’s something wrong with me. I prefer real life content so I follow moms who tell it like it is and have a sense of humour about it.
8. I give zero f*cks about most recommendations.
I learned very quickly after having Milo that there are an infinite number of recommendations and do’s and don’ts for everything single thing you do with your child. It starts literally the second you find out you conceived a child. You hear sirens and the pregnancy police are up your ass for 9 months. Then the second your baby exits your body, the parenting police take over. You don’t even have a second to breathe because as soon as that baby comes out you ABSOLUTELY must put him or her on your naked chest or you’re all ruined!!! Yes, we take some safety recommendations quite seriously but for the rest of the bullshit out there I decided early on to do what we feel comfortable with and it’s worked out perfectly. I mean, will Milo not be able to eat properly at 13 years old because we didn’t do baby-led weaning? That is to be determined. I will keep you posted.
9. I quite enjoy children’s music.
Sometimes The Wiggles come on in the car when I’m by myself and I don’t even press the button to skip to the next song. Their songs are catchy AF and if I had more time during the day I would 100% learn the choreography to each and every song. That is something I have to look forward to once I’m done my PhD this upcoming March. Because when we take our son to see The Wiggles live in the Fall I want to be that parent they have to ask repeatedly to leave the “children only” dancing area. Do they have meet and greets? Asking for a friend.
10. I can totes live in a messy house.
Pre-baby I was a neat freak. I lived in small apartments and condos and I would regularly (and happily) clean the entire place top to bottom. I couldn’t relax if my surroundings were not clean and tidy. Well, something about having a baby really f*cked up whatever part of my brain was responsible for the desire for cleanliness. We now live in a 4 bedroom home and I have no problem chilling and watching reruns of Friends on Netflix while the house is in a state of emergency. I now live my life doing the absolute bare minimum amount of cleaning and it feels great! If it’s not dirty or messy enough to cause harm to us or our dogs then it’s all good. Pass me a glass of wine because I need to scroll Instagram for several hours.