We’re in the middle of a sleep clusterf*ck.
Last night was a clusterf*ck night. We did our usual bedtime routine. My husband put Milo down with zero resistance around 7:30PM. We walked downstairs and within minutes Milo had thrown everything out of his crib and was crying. I walked into his room calmly and put everything back in his crib. He didn’t want me to leave and lifted his arms which basically means “get me the f*ck out of here.” I started to carry him to our bedroom but he started pointing downstairs saying “I sleep there.” Last week we brought him downstairs during a clusterf*ck and he laid down calmly for 15 minutes while I watched Below Deck and then he happily went to bed and fell right asleep. So, I thought going downstairs might be a good idea. Maybe he just wasn’t tired enough yet?
We snuggled on the couch and after 15 minutes my husband tried to bring him back upstairs. It was approximately 8:00PM now. No luck. He started crying before they even got to his bedroom. They came back downstairs. The next 20-30 minutes is when rage started to set in. Milo wasn’t being calm and cuddly. He was sitting up, whining, and trying to get his sleep sack off. I thought maybe his pyjama shirt was bugging him because that’s the kind of sucker that I am. When I unzipped half his sleep sack to check his shirt, he kicked the rest of it off. Now he was walking around the main floor with a mission. He spotted his Woody Little People toy on the dining room table and grabbed it. I was following behind him. “You can bring Woody to sleep with you”, I said. He liked that. He happily walked over to my husband and put his sleep sack back on. My husband carried him upstairs and put him down in his crib. Again, there was zero resistance. Five minutes later, he threw everything out of his crib again and started crying.
I went in calmly. I placed everything back in the crib AGAIN. This time I brought him to our bedroom to lay down. My husband was downstairs eating a frozen pizza because I managed to ruin a simple rice and chicken crockpot meal that day. As Milo and I laid in bed, I could tell he was exhausted. He was playing with Buzz and Woody quietly while I pretended to be sleeping beside him. The room was dark. The sound machine was on. My plan was to lay there for 20 minutes with him and then try to put him down in his crib. There was a moment during this 20 minutes where Milo had rolled over and was laying with his feet pressed against my stomach. He started to kick and I yelled “OUCH” as he dug his little dagger toes into my ribs. He giggled and it was in that moment that I felt a wave of rage go through my body. Shortly after that, my husband walked in. “Did he hurt you?” I didn’t respond. I was so irritated. Normally I wouldn’t be bothered by him hurting me. That happens all the time and I laugh it off! But, the build up of the entire clusterf*ck evening made me very susceptible to feeling “ragey”. It’s like I have a big cup of patience that slowly gets filled with rocks. The rocks represent irritating situations (i.e., whining, tantrums, throwing everything out of the crib, toes jammed into my ribs, etc.). I am extremely calm and nurturing until the cup reaches capacity. My patience cup rarely reaches capacity but, when it does, I will f*cking throw it at you!
My patience cup rarely reaches capacity but, when it does, I will f*cking throw it at you!
After my internal flush of rage that was a result of toddler toes in the ribs, I got up to pee and my husband tried put Milo down again. I took my sweet ass time in the bathroom to chill. Five minutes later I could hear Milo crying. UGH. To my surprise they weren’t in Milo’s room. My husband had tried to put him down with no luck and then brought him downstairs. The Raptors were playing on TV, Milo was crying and clearly exhausted. I was getting more and more frustrated. I sat on the couch and just put my hands over my eyes and listened to Milo cry. I didn’t know what to do. My husband was trying to calm him. Milo kept throwing his soother away and crying and fussing. I was so frustrated. I should have just sat there but in the moment I decided I would take Milo upstairs. I didn’t know if I was gonna plop him in his crib and let him cry or if I was going to take him to our bed. I could tell my husband was annoyed that I wanted him to give Milo to me. “Give him to me!!” I said in frustration. Ugh. Thinking back, clearly my husband was much more calm than I was yet, for some reason I thought it was best if I took him upstairs.
Milo was flailing and crying. I stomped upstairs with him and as I walked down the hallway with him towards our bedroom, I thought to myself “this is the worst feeling ever”. It’s the feeling of being out of control. I put Milo on our bed and threw a Buzz lightyear doll on the bed beside him. I could tell that Milo could feel how angry I was. He stood up and was crying. I felt so bad that I wasn’t able to be comforting for him. We were both frustrated, angry, and tired. Thank god my husband had followed me upstairs. We sat on the bed for a few minutes and my husband told me he was going to take Milo downstairs and sit with him until he fell asleep. They left the room and I sat there for a few minutes reflecting on what just happened and how awful the whole situation felt.
It was now almost 9:30PM. I walked downstairs and sat on the couch. Milo and my husband were cuddled in the corner. Everyone was calm except me. Internally I was not calm. After a few minutes, I grabbed my book off the side table and walked upstairs. After 20 minutes I texted my husband…